8th des 2011
thurs
13.45
omg feels like this week never ends...
finding the right things for work,food,drink...
deliveries ...arrrgghh
everywhere is christmas xxx
lights,people,families ...
very difficult past days,,,
but they need to be sorted...
things just cant be left undone
thinking about all of it now,
from the past weeks,the past days,its like being suffocated..
were i cant breath because of too much heartache...
and i am afraid i have casued heartache too...
but either that or remain in misery ...
monday had dinner with sd...
unexpected dinner,but glad we did...
love being in his company :)
in between trying to sort with mr f...
with work and other things...
its a relief to know he is there xxx
the next day was a vey emotional day,tuesday,,
heartbreak day...
did my work,as best i can at daytime,,,
ordered my food,drinks and my deliveries..
tried to cope with all becasue i know at the end of that day,there will be
a lot of stress from my own things...
i was right,mr f was there
he confronted me with his questions,but he never shout or scream...
and i answered and asked him to please answer my own questions..
he did for some,but not for all..
when i said i wont move on if you cant say all..
tears,lots of tears..
apologies,
i just wont accept,this is not what was promised me
and this is not what i deserve to get...
lets leave this open i said,
see where it will lead,but i wont be promising anything
for things i wont be able to give...
i said all,
i said what i felt,
he didnt realize he said how much i have been left on my own..
can he do anyhing to make things work?
he said i am lost...
i said...maybe you find yourself first before anything else...
how strange,when people dont see who is there..
just because you are there...
maybe its the way of the world,you never know what you lost until its gone..
now this person who has always been there,
her heart has got tired of always being left somewhere...
i said,you never even knew i had gone because you never listened ...
now you want to recover all,but now i am the one who wants to go...
i tried to say,please if you want me to stay
make things better,make everything ok
you've turned a blind eye and refuse to make way...
so things would get better and for me to stay...
i was crying on my own,
for along time and even if you'd known
you never kept your promises
even if you knew i felt all alone...
that night you saw the hurt in my eyes,
as we talked i was angry
and tried to hold me,but its too late...
i saw your tears for all those years...
of making me wait for things that would never come...
i said,i dont want to be seen as a cheat,
i want my life back if you think you cant look
after it,
this is my life we are talking about,
my life is not a joke that you can just leave as you please..
mr f is not a bad man,i know and i love him to bits,
now he knows that when you choose someone
you have to take care of it..
i said,i am not saying goodbye,
but i want you to get by.
why dont we try with out me by your side?
he didnt want to,but he saw the tears in my eyes...
i just couldnt say,
you have actually pushed me away ....
but i said,i want to be happy please let me..
i dont want to live my life in any misery,,,
if i will be a wife,i want to be a happy wife,
this is possible i know if you just prepared
for me to be in your life...
words are easy to say,but with out doing anything about them
they will remain just words...
so,now i am here
you kept calling me and telling me that you love me...
you said,i will do everything for you ...
but i know you should do it for you,not for me..
because you have to make yourself happy firts
before me,from what i know and i saw...
you have a lot of misery and never sorted them
thats why you made me so unhappy...
find yourself first,i said,heal yourself,sort yourself...
i told you from the beginning,,,the man who would want to be with me,
would have to be,ready...
in everything
and accept me for me....
...come back when you are ready,
i cant promise you anything that i cant give...
the next day is a blur...
but waking up to a sunny morning,,,
cycling to work thinking of the weekend ahead..
listing the things i must do for work...
found good menus i want to try for new year,,,
read on the new national geographic things to watch...
the life of david attenborough..
read ont he movie sd told me,Hugo...
very interesting..
wrapped some christmas presents :)
hoping to go to pineapple tomorrow...
cant wait for this week to end...
for saturday to come...
cant wait for his embrace,to kiss my lips
to hold my hand...
for that few moments that he can spare for us...
how funny how things turn out,
but i still never know whats there tomorrow...
all i know,i dont want it to be draped in misery...
i want to be happy..
a simple thing that is so difficult to find,
even if i give it freely to someone i thought is mine...
but never lose hope in finding it and giving,
this aside from love and respect is the best thing that could be given or received xxx
